Monday, March 13, 2023
Saturday, September 8, 2018
From Whence i came...
For quite some time now, Ive been told that i should write a book... And with each time i was told that... i would say to myself: “ A book?; I absolutely detest writing!”. “How the hell can i sit down, focus long enough to write a book?” “Who would take time to read it? Why would anyone do such a thing?” All the usual questions of doubt... You know that famous self doubt we impose on our selves, unconsciously setting limitations on ourselves. However, never once did i disagree with the fact that; like any other human occupying this existence we refer to as life... Regardless of your experience, we all have a story to tell. A story that will possibly impact someone or another. I never thought of myself more greater or less than any other person living or deceased... Always felt like the only thing that separates us all is an act! Action! From there, it’s left to the eyes of the holder to react, interpret.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Right Plan, Wrong Man...
“Right Plan, Wrong Man!”
In the process of penning my biography; I have been contemplating for quite some time on whether or not I should use daily occurrences that I endure in Life, as a testament for those who read may learn a greater lesson. I mean what do I have to lose? After all I am the Creative Visionary of UnderDaScope Entertainment, and like most Americans; the recipient of senseless hate, nasty rumors, opinions- some truths, of many people who reserve that right. If you think about it: "What greater sacrifice can one give than to put the Scope On themselves"! And Scream... "Here I am"! "Can you SEE me"! For those oblivious to WHO I really am, on down to those who are interested to find out; the story will soon be published for your entertainment, with hopes that you learn a life lesson. To others that can care less; Hell, you can go watch a reality show for all I care, or even delete me as your FB friend. Right here, right now; I'm going to follow this voice in my head saying-"Express yo' self"!
Scope on:
I'll call this day: TESTIMONIAL SUNDAY... Every week on this day, I will take liberty to express my feelings on delicate situations that I face during my pursuit to Freedom! Your probably thinking, Freedom? Yeah… freedom to do as I please; long as I don't disrespect anybody in the process. Freedom, to create, & express my opinion! Without so much of a care on how anybody outside of God may view it!
During a conversation today, with my lady; She ask, "Bay, I don't see why you would deal with phony people who smile in your face, degrade, hate, and even try to assassinate your character behind your back..." “People that mean you no good…" Now, this stems from me sharing a comment that an associate, and fellow promoter made; saying, (I didn’t have enough pull to get free access to his event) after I asked whether he could put me on the guest list for his event.
After taking a few seconds to think of how I would articulate my response... First thing, I said was; "If a person speaks behind your back, rather than in your face; it shows one of few things." I continue: "One... Respect, & Two...Insecurities." Having enough knowledge to know that I can't control how a person feels, only how I choose to respond.
I went on further to explain... "Baby, I can't pretend like I care how I am viewed by these people." They have to be accountable by their own thoughts." She rebutted, "Yeah, but you still communicate with them." I responded, " I choose to deal with them, no differently than you deal with co-workers who my not care about you." I went on; "You see Satan doesn't care who he uses to provoke an Evil response out of you"; "His only mission is to obtain that response." "I mean really; what will motivate dude to say that, when I have displayed nothing but love & respect towards him?" "This same dude has called on me for favors... And like Peter did Jesus: No sooner than Rooster crows twice, He would deny me thrice." Who am I, but a man?
Adamant on proving a point, she stood firm in her belief... And before the conversation got out of control- We all know how easy that can happen... I went above & beyond to let her know that it's easy for people to take your kindness for weakness..." Going on to admit, "Lord knows I'm far from perfect!" In fact, I'm very familiar with responding with much harsher words than the next; even resulting to any type of violent act I see fit to satisfy my, Evil Thirst. After all, this is a natural way of living to me. (Roman 7:13-23) However, I know better; so i am obligated to do better. As hard as it may seem! And, NO! I'm not going to always succeed- That very moment; the bible verse that reads, "Forgive them father for they know not what they do", (Luke 23:34) popped into my head. No matter how much we as people desire to be accepted, and loved by our peers; we have to take into account the fact that the People hated, even crucified Christ... And he walks righteously.
Note: You never know whose affiliate with one another... No Evil tactic will go unnoticed by Satan. He will use the person you trust the most to relay your secrets back to that person: Just to create a evil response... That in mind; in the comfort of a confidant, this same dude would not hesitate to brag, about being the top promoter in the city, and responsible for the success for others; in the same breath, down talk the efforts of others. Being the least bit surprised; all I will say is, "There's always a cost for any type of success/fame that God isn't responsible for."
SMH, I guess that's why FAME/Success & humbleness are rarely in used in the same sentence...
As I concluded...."The person I am referring to isn't a bad guy at all... He's no worse than any of us; who become puffed up with pride during the attainment of any type of accomplishment. There are many others... Hell, I myself may be a victim of some point; but right here today? I'm not! So, Satan I say to you..."Right plan, but the wrong man!"
To those who are guilty... Trust whether you are able to accept the consequence, reaction or response for any ill feelings you willfully render the next...Ultimately, you will! Why? You are UnderDaScope not only to me, but those laughing with you; that will eventually share you secrets... The lifestyle lives on!
Smile, The World is Watchin!
In the process of penning my biography; I have been contemplating for quite some time on whether or not I should use daily occurrences that I endure in Life, as a testament for those who read may learn a greater lesson. I mean what do I have to lose? After all I am the Creative Visionary of UnderDaScope Entertainment, and like most Americans; the recipient of senseless hate, nasty rumors, opinions- some truths, of many people who reserve that right. If you think about it: "What greater sacrifice can one give than to put the Scope On themselves"! And Scream... "Here I am"! "Can you SEE me"! For those oblivious to WHO I really am, on down to those who are interested to find out; the story will soon be published for your entertainment, with hopes that you learn a life lesson. To others that can care less; Hell, you can go watch a reality show for all I care, or even delete me as your FB friend. Right here, right now; I'm going to follow this voice in my head saying-"Express yo' self"!
Scope on:
I'll call this day: TESTIMONIAL SUNDAY... Every week on this day, I will take liberty to express my feelings on delicate situations that I face during my pursuit to Freedom! Your probably thinking, Freedom? Yeah… freedom to do as I please; long as I don't disrespect anybody in the process. Freedom, to create, & express my opinion! Without so much of a care on how anybody outside of God may view it!
During a conversation today, with my lady; She ask, "Bay, I don't see why you would deal with phony people who smile in your face, degrade, hate, and even try to assassinate your character behind your back..." “People that mean you no good…" Now, this stems from me sharing a comment that an associate, and fellow promoter made; saying, (I didn’t have enough pull to get free access to his event) after I asked whether he could put me on the guest list for his event.
After taking a few seconds to think of how I would articulate my response... First thing, I said was; "If a person speaks behind your back, rather than in your face; it shows one of few things." I continue: "One... Respect, & Two...Insecurities." Having enough knowledge to know that I can't control how a person feels, only how I choose to respond.
I went on further to explain... "Baby, I can't pretend like I care how I am viewed by these people." They have to be accountable by their own thoughts." She rebutted, "Yeah, but you still communicate with them." I responded, " I choose to deal with them, no differently than you deal with co-workers who my not care about you." I went on; "You see Satan doesn't care who he uses to provoke an Evil response out of you"; "His only mission is to obtain that response." "I mean really; what will motivate dude to say that, when I have displayed nothing but love & respect towards him?" "This same dude has called on me for favors... And like Peter did Jesus: No sooner than Rooster crows twice, He would deny me thrice." Who am I, but a man?
Adamant on proving a point, she stood firm in her belief... And before the conversation got out of control- We all know how easy that can happen... I went above & beyond to let her know that it's easy for people to take your kindness for weakness..." Going on to admit, "Lord knows I'm far from perfect!" In fact, I'm very familiar with responding with much harsher words than the next; even resulting to any type of violent act I see fit to satisfy my, Evil Thirst. After all, this is a natural way of living to me. (Roman 7:13-23) However, I know better; so i am obligated to do better. As hard as it may seem! And, NO! I'm not going to always succeed- That very moment; the bible verse that reads, "Forgive them father for they know not what they do", (Luke 23:34) popped into my head. No matter how much we as people desire to be accepted, and loved by our peers; we have to take into account the fact that the People hated, even crucified Christ... And he walks righteously.
Note: You never know whose affiliate with one another... No Evil tactic will go unnoticed by Satan. He will use the person you trust the most to relay your secrets back to that person: Just to create a evil response... That in mind; in the comfort of a confidant, this same dude would not hesitate to brag, about being the top promoter in the city, and responsible for the success for others; in the same breath, down talk the efforts of others. Being the least bit surprised; all I will say is, "There's always a cost for any type of success/fame that God isn't responsible for."
SMH, I guess that's why FAME/Success & humbleness are rarely in used in the same sentence...
As I concluded...."The person I am referring to isn't a bad guy at all... He's no worse than any of us; who become puffed up with pride during the attainment of any type of accomplishment. There are many others... Hell, I myself may be a victim of some point; but right here today? I'm not! So, Satan I say to you..."Right plan, but the wrong man!"
To those who are guilty... Trust whether you are able to accept the consequence, reaction or response for any ill feelings you willfully render the next...Ultimately, you will! Why? You are UnderDaScope not only to me, but those laughing with you; that will eventually share you secrets... The lifestyle lives on!
Smile, The World is Watchin!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Fare Well 2010
2010 CONFESSIONS
In 2001, while serving a 7 year sentence in Bay Correctional Institution; I remember my Tier Councilor Ms. White Lady, telling me that I’d be dead before the age of 25. At the time I was only 22; which would give me only 2 years to live. Now, I'd have to admit that I was quite stunned upon hearing basically what I perceived to be a death threat. Especially, after receiving 7yrs. from crappin out in the J-Ville dope game. I never imagined hearing this kind of promise in prison! Not from middle age White Lady... Truth be told; since my father was poisoned to death, while pending menial charges in the federal holding facility in my birth place- Miami Florida: While my younger brother and I waited down stairs to visit him... I can't say that the thought never crossed my mind. Death in Prison!!! "Wouldn't that be considered dying twice?” I remember thinking... How is that possible? The 1st. Death was Mental. Since I was regarded as a dead man to my peers; who mostly consisted of phony friends, and groupies, befriended from the wicked Lifestyle brought upon by the Street Game. The 2nd: Would have been physical, of course. Only GOD knows how I resurrected after suffering the first. Because Lord Knows I must’ve did everything in my power to make good on her promise: Everything from cursing, threatening, and fighting, both inmates and Officers. Even had a few officers tell me that I wasn’t going to make it out of prison alive… How could I ignore that; when I have known them to make good on their promise? I must have spent At least 3 out of those 7 years in solitary confinement. So, that would include most Holiday's like Thanksgiving, B-Day's, X-Mas, and New years! During the course a time, I would eventually realize that my only gifts would ultimately be GODS GREATEST! LIFE, Health, VISION!
LIFE- Not only did he wake me each morning; during times I wanted to die...He allowed me the oxygen to breath.
HEALTH- Since prison is an open test ground for Govt. to experiment on inmates; I managed to make it out in good health.
VISION- During a reality so violent… In an environment meant to break the down the human spirit; I used it to build mine up stronger than ever! I used it to dream, and create an outlet to express myself. Out of that VISION UnderDaScope Entertainment was borne.
Say what you say… But know that I started my company 2 months out of prison with money from an event as a result of UDS. Being an Ex. Offender released at the start of a recession, without a desire to work for, & build up someone else’s vision; I have maintained & built my company from the dirt for the 2 years I’ve been free. All this in despite of the territorial cliques, jealousy, and constant HATE, I receive from you individuals that don’t know my struggle; and therefore can’t SEE my Purpose; Let alone my VISION!
So while I may not possess the SUCCESS that most are accustomed to identifying the word with; based on the Whiteman’s term: By the way- Somebody tell That White Lady, that I did manage to live beyond 25. And not only do I have my physical freedom in 2010; but MAINTAINED a GREATER SPIRITUAL FREEDOM AS WELL…
2010 Accomplishments:
• I became the 1st African American to host any event out of the very European Alhambra Theater. TRIMMED IN CHANNEL 4 NEWS/ AND TIMES UNION COVERAGE.
• I AM MY OWN BOSS, AND GET PAID DOING WHAT I LOVE!!!
• MANAGED TO POST THE WORD FOR THE DAY (W4D) TO FB 95% OF THE YEAR
• BY THE GRACE OF GOD; I HAVE RESISTED SATANS COUNTLESS TRAPS TO LURE ME BACK TO THE STREET LIFE!!!
• STILL STRIVING FOR THAT GREATER PRIZE OF ETERNAL LIFE!
Extremely Thankful for the lil things most take for granted.
2011 HERE I COME!!!! GOD’S WILL….
*Message to the backbiters, haters, dirt slingers, envious, and jealous ones: Who am I but a man???? In the end….“They Hated on Jesus Christ” !!!
In 2001, while serving a 7 year sentence in Bay Correctional Institution; I remember my Tier Councilor Ms. White Lady, telling me that I’d be dead before the age of 25. At the time I was only 22; which would give me only 2 years to live. Now, I'd have to admit that I was quite stunned upon hearing basically what I perceived to be a death threat. Especially, after receiving 7yrs. from crappin out in the J-Ville dope game. I never imagined hearing this kind of promise in prison! Not from middle age White Lady... Truth be told; since my father was poisoned to death, while pending menial charges in the federal holding facility in my birth place- Miami Florida: While my younger brother and I waited down stairs to visit him... I can't say that the thought never crossed my mind. Death in Prison!!! "Wouldn't that be considered dying twice?” I remember thinking... How is that possible? The 1st. Death was Mental. Since I was regarded as a dead man to my peers; who mostly consisted of phony friends, and groupies, befriended from the wicked Lifestyle brought upon by the Street Game. The 2nd: Would have been physical, of course. Only GOD knows how I resurrected after suffering the first. Because Lord Knows I must’ve did everything in my power to make good on her promise: Everything from cursing, threatening, and fighting, both inmates and Officers. Even had a few officers tell me that I wasn’t going to make it out of prison alive… How could I ignore that; when I have known them to make good on their promise? I must have spent At least 3 out of those 7 years in solitary confinement. So, that would include most Holiday's like Thanksgiving, B-Day's, X-Mas, and New years! During the course a time, I would eventually realize that my only gifts would ultimately be GODS GREATEST! LIFE, Health, VISION!
LIFE- Not only did he wake me each morning; during times I wanted to die...He allowed me the oxygen to breath.
HEALTH- Since prison is an open test ground for Govt. to experiment on inmates; I managed to make it out in good health.
VISION- During a reality so violent… In an environment meant to break the down the human spirit; I used it to build mine up stronger than ever! I used it to dream, and create an outlet to express myself. Out of that VISION UnderDaScope Entertainment was borne.
Say what you say… But know that I started my company 2 months out of prison with money from an event as a result of UDS. Being an Ex. Offender released at the start of a recession, without a desire to work for, & build up someone else’s vision; I have maintained & built my company from the dirt for the 2 years I’ve been free. All this in despite of the territorial cliques, jealousy, and constant HATE, I receive from you individuals that don’t know my struggle; and therefore can’t SEE my Purpose; Let alone my VISION!
So while I may not possess the SUCCESS that most are accustomed to identifying the word with; based on the Whiteman’s term: By the way- Somebody tell That White Lady, that I did manage to live beyond 25. And not only do I have my physical freedom in 2010; but MAINTAINED a GREATER SPIRITUAL FREEDOM AS WELL…
2010 Accomplishments:
• I became the 1st African American to host any event out of the very European Alhambra Theater. TRIMMED IN CHANNEL 4 NEWS/ AND TIMES UNION COVERAGE.
• I AM MY OWN BOSS, AND GET PAID DOING WHAT I LOVE!!!
• MANAGED TO POST THE WORD FOR THE DAY (W4D) TO FB 95% OF THE YEAR
• BY THE GRACE OF GOD; I HAVE RESISTED SATANS COUNTLESS TRAPS TO LURE ME BACK TO THE STREET LIFE!!!
• STILL STRIVING FOR THAT GREATER PRIZE OF ETERNAL LIFE!
Extremely Thankful for the lil things most take for granted.
2011 HERE I COME!!!! GOD’S WILL….
*Message to the backbiters, haters, dirt slingers, envious, and jealous ones: Who am I but a man???? In the end….“They Hated on Jesus Christ” !!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Awakening Experience J.E.#14
Journal Entry #14 6-7-07
I write this journal with complete focus and extreme sincerity; during a point in my life that allows me to think and to analyze which inevitably gives me the insight I need to 1st acknowledge & ultimately learn. So, I guess you can say that reacting to these 30 years of existence on this so called free world society has issued me to learn. In addition, I’d like to make aware of the fact that it was in prison where I learned most of the things I know now. It was prison that allowed me the solitude to observe and analyze the game of life. If prison was indeed intended to rehabilitate or correct those who have rebelled against the system; it has backfired! Because prison had allowed me an opportunity to teach myself how to work within the system, to successfully overcome it. From this day forward, I am relinquishing myself from whatever slave mentality that was left on my persons. I am stating my opinions which may affect the masses in a positive aspect; motivating them to embrace and overcome the struggle: Do this with the confidence of a Roshchilds descendent. So to the judicial system, and the powers that be; who designed this world structure for me to be docile- your prison has made me worse!!!! I deviate from being docile!
I write this journal with complete focus and extreme sincerity; during a point in my life that allows me to think and to analyze which inevitably gives me the insight I need to 1st acknowledge & ultimately learn. So, I guess you can say that reacting to these 30 years of existence on this so called free world society has issued me to learn. In addition, I’d like to make aware of the fact that it was in prison where I learned most of the things I know now. It was prison that allowed me the solitude to observe and analyze the game of life. If prison was indeed intended to rehabilitate or correct those who have rebelled against the system; it has backfired! Because prison had allowed me an opportunity to teach myself how to work within the system, to successfully overcome it. From this day forward, I am relinquishing myself from whatever slave mentality that was left on my persons. I am stating my opinions which may affect the masses in a positive aspect; motivating them to embrace and overcome the struggle: Do this with the confidence of a Roshchilds descendent. So to the judicial system, and the powers that be; who designed this world structure for me to be docile- your prison has made me worse!!!! I deviate from being docile!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Patience is a Virtue J.E # 13
Patience is a Virtue
Journal Entry #13 6-6-07
Habari! All praises to the almighty Jah-Jah; to when I give all the glory in the Universe. It is because of him that I am alive and healthy this very day; and able to write you these sacred words of wisdom. Today’s journal entry is about Patience. As the well known sayin goes; “Patience is a virtue”… Also, a scripture in the book of Proverbs; located in the Holy Bible. I reiterate; Patience is a Virtue!!! So, if a woman waits patiently on her king; is she considered a Virtuous Woman? If a man waits patiently, and not only wait; But in the process of waiting: He knows that things will be much greater, and therefore, worth the wait. If this is the true, is that man considered Virtuous? If so, virtuous, I am not! Although, today and other days I do show flashes of patience- I’m not ready to except the title as being a Vitreous Man … Maybe one day I will? With that said; as of now all I will do is hope, and look forward to the day. My reason for bringing this topic up is because today I endure so much that my patience was really being tested: However, I had no control over the situation, just how I would react to it. I sat back and quietly suffered within myself. This morning I was awaken by the C/O at around 4:30am, telling me to pack it up- I’m transferring. From like 5am to 8:30am; we sat on a concrete bench until the Blue bird arrived. (By the way, Blue Bird is a prison bus) After it arrived we was told to strip down and lift our nut sacks, and penis’, then had to bend over and cough. Now mind you, this was in front of like 60 plus other inmates and 4 C/O’s. The degrading continues… Once we were humiliated, we had to assume the position so that our leg irons could be put on; now, this position requires us to place our knees on the concrete bench, so that the officer could place the shackle around our ankles. I don’t know if you have ever sat with your knees on the concrete before; but its torture! Especially if you have bad knees! Following that procedure, we loaded up on the hot and very uncomfortable bus headed to our destination. To make a long story short- I spent about 7 hrs on that bus. With no bathroom, knees hittin the seat in front of me, sweating like a Hebrew slave from the heat; til we finally made it to our destination- Washington C.I.
To be continued…
-Banditti the don
Journal Entry #13 6-6-07
Habari! All praises to the almighty Jah-Jah; to when I give all the glory in the Universe. It is because of him that I am alive and healthy this very day; and able to write you these sacred words of wisdom. Today’s journal entry is about Patience. As the well known sayin goes; “Patience is a virtue”… Also, a scripture in the book of Proverbs; located in the Holy Bible. I reiterate; Patience is a Virtue!!! So, if a woman waits patiently on her king; is she considered a Virtuous Woman? If a man waits patiently, and not only wait; But in the process of waiting: He knows that things will be much greater, and therefore, worth the wait. If this is the true, is that man considered Virtuous? If so, virtuous, I am not! Although, today and other days I do show flashes of patience- I’m not ready to except the title as being a Vitreous Man … Maybe one day I will? With that said; as of now all I will do is hope, and look forward to the day. My reason for bringing this topic up is because today I endure so much that my patience was really being tested: However, I had no control over the situation, just how I would react to it. I sat back and quietly suffered within myself. This morning I was awaken by the C/O at around 4:30am, telling me to pack it up- I’m transferring. From like 5am to 8:30am; we sat on a concrete bench until the Blue bird arrived. (By the way, Blue Bird is a prison bus) After it arrived we was told to strip down and lift our nut sacks, and penis’, then had to bend over and cough. Now mind you, this was in front of like 60 plus other inmates and 4 C/O’s. The degrading continues… Once we were humiliated, we had to assume the position so that our leg irons could be put on; now, this position requires us to place our knees on the concrete bench, so that the officer could place the shackle around our ankles. I don’t know if you have ever sat with your knees on the concrete before; but its torture! Especially if you have bad knees! Following that procedure, we loaded up on the hot and very uncomfortable bus headed to our destination. To make a long story short- I spent about 7 hrs on that bus. With no bathroom, knees hittin the seat in front of me, sweating like a Hebrew slave from the heat; til we finally made it to our destination- Washington C.I.
To be continued…
-Banditti the don
The Guilty One J.E #11
The Guilty One
Journal entry #11 6-4-07
Hakuna Imani! I start this notation with a bit of frustration, because of a vision I had last night, of early this morning. The vision could be interpreted many different ways; However, I always tend to lean towards the negative aspect of them- since I’m somewhat of a realest. So let’s call this journal the “Guilty One!” shall we? Ok, let me get str8 to the point. My dream was about me being sent away to possibly a prison of some sort; to find that my girlfriend was cheating while I was incarcerated. In this, although I didn’t get a clear view of who my girlfriend was- I will have to say she’s my current- Sasha. For some reason or another I got an early release, and she didn’t know it. I went to the house while she was perhaps at work and for some reason noticed these satin panties with a heart shape on them; it must have been Valentine’s Day or something. Anyhow, I pick the panties up and it was a white substance on them, what I perceived to be cum. Now, I instantly go in investigative mood. I called at the last minute to make her aware or the fact that I was out on furlough, and to come pick me up from a specific location: then I had some type of surveillance on the house. And although I never saw anyone (male) that is: I questioned her faithfulness. Now, this dream had a lot more detail. For one there was a point to where I was tempted to get back at her by knockin off some chic, but declined due to the fact that I was on a mission; and there were some other factors letting us know that it wasn’t meant. But, to say that I couldn’t sleep would be an understatement; I literally had pains in my stomach, (anxiety) so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I felt that why. It felt as if she was having sex with someone right at that moment. It was like someone was violating my territory. But, that’s not what hurt me the most. What really fucked me up was once I finally go to the house to see the girls; it felt as if they’d seen a ghost. They had this guilty look on their face, not for their sake; but they’re mothers. The vibe that I got from them was so strong, until I didn’t even try to ask any questions, because at that present moment I couldn’t stand to hear the truth. After I couldn’t go back to sleep and the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop; I just sat u thinking that somehow I somehow I deserved to be treated that way. It was like I was being paid back for the woman whose heart I hurt. All at once my emotions started playing on my mind, til I felt so weak. Weak for love, a sucker for love; because after chasing me for so long, cupid had finally struck me with his; and I felt as though I was really in love and could let my guard down- Finally, I can submit my heart to the female species. But, low & behold; the joke was on me. So, not as I sit here writing this testimony, having conflicting feelings, I ask myself; will I ever trust a woman with my heart?
Is it even worth me living that deep, til I subdue myself totally to love & devotion; only to be devastated, having my heart suffers in Heart Break Hell- if there is such a thing. Right not at this present time; I wonder if I’d ever enjoy the happiness and the joys, the wholeness, the unification that comes with being in love? And for a long time in my 30 yrs. Of existence in this place we call Earth; I am honestly frightened for my future… Afraid of being let down by my arch enemy- LOVE…
And until I win that battle- “Hakuna Imani” There will never be peace- at least within me…
If I ever got had the chance to love again/ While I waste risk such a feeling/ that made feel at peace within? / And girl, if I place my heart in your pretty hands.
-Banditti the don
Journal entry #11 6-4-07
Hakuna Imani! I start this notation with a bit of frustration, because of a vision I had last night, of early this morning. The vision could be interpreted many different ways; However, I always tend to lean towards the negative aspect of them- since I’m somewhat of a realest. So let’s call this journal the “Guilty One!” shall we? Ok, let me get str8 to the point. My dream was about me being sent away to possibly a prison of some sort; to find that my girlfriend was cheating while I was incarcerated. In this, although I didn’t get a clear view of who my girlfriend was- I will have to say she’s my current- Sasha. For some reason or another I got an early release, and she didn’t know it. I went to the house while she was perhaps at work and for some reason noticed these satin panties with a heart shape on them; it must have been Valentine’s Day or something. Anyhow, I pick the panties up and it was a white substance on them, what I perceived to be cum. Now, I instantly go in investigative mood. I called at the last minute to make her aware or the fact that I was out on furlough, and to come pick me up from a specific location: then I had some type of surveillance on the house. And although I never saw anyone (male) that is: I questioned her faithfulness. Now, this dream had a lot more detail. For one there was a point to where I was tempted to get back at her by knockin off some chic, but declined due to the fact that I was on a mission; and there were some other factors letting us know that it wasn’t meant. But, to say that I couldn’t sleep would be an understatement; I literally had pains in my stomach, (anxiety) so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I felt that why. It felt as if she was having sex with someone right at that moment. It was like someone was violating my territory. But, that’s not what hurt me the most. What really fucked me up was once I finally go to the house to see the girls; it felt as if they’d seen a ghost. They had this guilty look on their face, not for their sake; but they’re mothers. The vibe that I got from them was so strong, until I didn’t even try to ask any questions, because at that present moment I couldn’t stand to hear the truth. After I couldn’t go back to sleep and the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop; I just sat u thinking that somehow I somehow I deserved to be treated that way. It was like I was being paid back for the woman whose heart I hurt. All at once my emotions started playing on my mind, til I felt so weak. Weak for love, a sucker for love; because after chasing me for so long, cupid had finally struck me with his; and I felt as though I was really in love and could let my guard down- Finally, I can submit my heart to the female species. But, low & behold; the joke was on me. So, not as I sit here writing this testimony, having conflicting feelings, I ask myself; will I ever trust a woman with my heart?
Is it even worth me living that deep, til I subdue myself totally to love & devotion; only to be devastated, having my heart suffers in Heart Break Hell- if there is such a thing. Right not at this present time; I wonder if I’d ever enjoy the happiness and the joys, the wholeness, the unification that comes with being in love? And for a long time in my 30 yrs. Of existence in this place we call Earth; I am honestly frightened for my future… Afraid of being let down by my arch enemy- LOVE…
And until I win that battle- “Hakuna Imani” There will never be peace- at least within me…
If I ever got had the chance to love again/ While I waste risk such a feeling/ that made feel at peace within? / And girl, if I place my heart in your pretty hands.
-Banditti the don
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